Have you ever wondered why you and your partner wind up in a fight and can’t figure out how it escalated so quickly? Have you ever wondered why, despite both of your best intentions, you keep finding yourselves in the same situation, managing the aftereffects of escalating conflicts without ever resolving them?
Healthy relationships thrive on certain practices — and break down because of others. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we call these practices winning or losing strategies. Winning strategies help partners feel safe, heard, and connected. Losing strategies create disconnection, resentment, and emotional distance. By working with an RLT therapist, you can learn the difference between the two and develop skills to change your reactive behaviours into intentional practices that allow your relationship to thrive.
What Are Losing Strategies in a Relationship?
Losing relational strategies are reactive behaviors that we engage in to protect ourselves. We reach for them when we feel hurt, scared, stuck, or disconnected. While these strategies feel protective in the moment, they push your partner away over the long run.
Common RLT losing strategies include:
- Needing to be right – Valuing being correct over being connected.
- Controlling your partner – Telling them how they should think, feel, or behave or manipulating your partner.
- Unbridled self-expression – Venting or complaining regardless of whether your partner is capable or wants to hear what you have to say in that moment.
- Retaliation – Reacting to hurt with more hurt. In RLT this is referred to as “offending from the victim position.”
- Withdrawal – Emotionally shutting down or physically distancing yourself. This typically stems from resignation or retaliation and is different from taking a healthy time out.
If engaged and unchecked, these strategies slowly erode trust and intimacy over time. They contribute to a relationship dynamic that keeps you stuck, disconnected, and in conflict.
What Do Winning Strategies Look Like?
Winning relational strategies are rooted in mutual respect, personal responsibility, and emotional generosity. They are intentional practices that help create a nourishing relationship.
Examples of RLT winning strategies include:
- Shifting from complaint to request – Clearly and kindly asking for what you want.
- Speaking out with love and savvy – Sharing your truth without blame. This involves engaging in repair by being objective, sharing how you feel, and asking for what you need.
- Responding with generosity – Listening to understand, taking personal responsibility, and giving your partner as much of what they are asking for as you comfortably can.
- Empowering each other – Acknowledging the gifts your partner has given you and asking what you can do to support them.
- Cherishing the relationship – Investing time and energy into connection and providing your partner with positive feedback.
Making small changes in these areas can have a huge positive impact by helping you and your partner develop a more trusting, connected relationship.
How Can Therapy Help Couples Shift from Losing to Winning Strategies?
When using Relational Life Therapy in couples therapy, we gently help you to:
- Identify your losing strategies without shame
- Practice new, more connecting ways of relating
- Rebuild trust, respect, and emotional safety
- Feel more like a team again
Ready to Try a New Approach?
If you’re tired of the same arguments, feeling distant, or just want to feel closer again, we’re here to help. At Quoin Counselling in Vancouver, Brooke Patterson and Tanya Schecter are RLT trained therapists who offer a compassionate, hands-on approach to help you reconnect and grow as a couple.
Book a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re the right fit. We’d love to support you and your relationship.
