You enter the counselling space.

Comfy chair. Check.

Plant. Check.

Calm lighting. Check.

Your counsellor smiles warmly. You begin to talk…

Is this it? Is this counselling? Or is there something more subtle and intentional going on behind the scenes?

There definitely is. And here’s what you should know.

The Client-Therapist Relationship

A solid client-therapist relationship is the foundation of effective therapy. In fact, being in a quality client-therapist relationship accounts for 30% of the positive gains you make during counselling.

How can you tell if you and your therapist have an effective relationship?

• You feel understood and supported, not judged.
• You feel safe sharing the difficult things.
• The relationship feels collaborative.
• When challenging emotions surface, your therapist supports you to feel them and then helps you return to a sense of calm.
• Your therapist maintains a focused presence and offers respectful, honest feedback — not just cheerleading.

How You Feel About Therapy Matters

Expectations – Your expectations about therapy (i.e.,whether or not you think it will work), influence how effective therapy will be for you.

Some questions to ask yourself are:

• Are you going to counselling because a family member is forcing you to, even though you think it’s a waste of time?
• Do you think therapy is something that could work for you? Maybe you know someone who experienced positive change through counselling.

Hope – Feeling hopeful that therapy will improve your situation often impacts whether you will experience positive results.

Studies show that no matter which style of therapy you choose, 15% of your improvement depends on your expectation that therapy works, and your level of hopefulness that it will make a difference in your life.

While You Talk, What’s Actually Happening?

Counselling sessions are a safe container where you and your therapist collaborate to zoom in on a challenging area of your life: a habit, a relationship, a stuck pattern, past trauma, or a goal you’re aiming for.

As you tell your story, your therapist helps you bring your problem into high-definition. You start to see the emotional and thought patterns keeping you stuck. You shed light on how destructive patterns in your present aren’t character flaws. They’re actually intelligent responses from a younger you that just don’t work anymore. You learn new skills so you can respond differently to triggering situations. You begin to experience more freedom and flexibility in your life.

As you talk, you’re building a landscape that’s unique to you. Your therapist joins you in that landscape. Together, you explore the lay of the land, find the fault lines, retrace old routes, and build new and efficient roads.

Your Body Speaks Too

In therapy, it’s not just your words that matter. Your body also talks. The science of interpersonal neurobiology shows that your body responds to your therapist’s posture, their tone of voice, and even how they’re regulating their breath.

Our brains are wired for this unspoken social connection, especially when we’re distressed. A skilled therapist uses verbal and physical communication to send safety signals to your brain’s emotional centre. This helps your nervous system shift out of fight/flight and into a more relaxed state of social connection.

When you exit a therapy session feeling calmer but can’t really explain why, there’s a good chance it’s because your nervous system was receiving “you’re ok” messages from your therapist’s attuned body language.

How the Client-Therapist Relationship Rewires Your Brain

One of the most powerful parts of counselling isn’t a technique — it’s the relationship itself.

In therapy, your brain experiences what it’s like to feel upset and still be met with understanding and support. Many of us didn’t grow up with this kind of safe connection. Instead, difficult emotions were met with rejection or anger, which just intensified our emotional distress. No one helped us calm down when faced with big emotions, leaving us believing that emotions are unmanageable and out of control.

A good client-therapist relationship teaches you that you can experience emotional charge and still receive empathy and support.

The calming social cues you receive from your therapist teaches your brain what emotional regulation feels like. Eventually, you’ll no longer need to rely on your therapist’s calming signals because your brain learns how to regulate emotion on its own.

Choose the Right Counselling Style For You

Therapists offer different approaches: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are some well-known, evidence-based modalities.

While up to 45% of therapy’s effectiveness depends on your relationship with your therapist, and your beliefs about therapy, the approach you choose matters too. Choose one that feels comfortable and resonates with you.

Keep in mind that therapies that work with your body as well as your mind (somatic therapies) are frequently as effective or more effective than mind-only approaches.

Want to Work With A Therapist?

At Quoin Counselling, that’s the work we do is based on strong client-therapist relationships and focused on helping our clients reach their goals and creating lives that are fulfilling and connected. Our therapists Tanya Schecter, Brooke Patterson, and Tiffany Wainwright are passionate about helping individuals and couples across Vancouver, Victoria, and British Columbia. 

If you are looking for more — more meaning, more fulfillment, and more ease — we’d love to help.

Book a free 15-minute consultation

Sources

Schore, A. N. (2021). The interpersonal neurobiology of intersubjectivity. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 648616. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.648616

Soma, C. S., Heller, A. S., & Silton, R. L. (2019). Co-regulation of therapist and client emotion during psychotherapy. Psychotherapy Research, 31(6), 739–753. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2019.1633481

Wampold, B. E., & Imel, Z. E. (2015). The great psychotherapy debate: The evidence for what makes psychotherapy work (2nd ed.). Routledge.