The Truth About Happiness in Love: Hedonic vs. Eudaimonic Happiness in Relationships
If you’ve ever wondered why a relationship can feel thrilling one moment and strangely empty the next, the answer is simple: there are two kinds of happiness in relationships. And unless you understand both, you end up leaning too hard on the kind that fades.
Aristotle named this thousands of years ago, and here we are still trying to sort it out.
The First Kind: Hedonic Happiness in Relationships
This is the pleasure-based stuff:
- The dopamine hits.
- The date nights that leave you glowing.
- The sexual spark that makes everything feel electric.
- The inside jokes that break tension and pull you closer.
It’s the kind of happiness that makes things feel good.
But here’s the truth: hedonic happiness is moment-based. It needs constant refuelling. There’s nothing wrong with that — pleasure keeps love alive and playful. It just can’t carry the full weight of a long-term relationship.
The Second Kind: Eudaimonic Happiness and Long-Term Love
This kind runs deeper. Eudaimonic happiness grows from meaning, purpose, shared direction. It’s what you feel when your relationship aligns with your values. It’s the quiet, steady sense of doing life on purpose together.
It comes from honesty. From trust. From knowing you have each other’s backs when life stops being smooth.
It’s not flashy, but it’s the foundation every long-term relationship rests on.
How Hedonic and Eudaimonic Happiness Work Together
Hedonic happiness makes you feel good. Eudaimonic happiness makes you be good. In relationships, this difference is everything.
Hedonic happiness is the spark. Eudaimonic happiness is the fire. The spark is exciting. The fire sustains. Couples get stuck when they chase sparks and never build the fire.
Real-Life Example: How a Couple Shifted From Fun to Fulfillment
Take Sarah and Mark. In the early years of their marriage, they were the “fun couple.” Concerts. Travel. New restaurants every weekend. Their friends envied how alive they seemed.
But as life got more complicated – mortgages, deadlines, kids – something started to feel off. The fun was still there, but it wasn’t enough. They were busy doing life but weren’t living it together.
Then came the tension. Sarah accused Mark of “checking out.” Mark said Sarah was “too serious.” But underneath the blame was this truth: they’d built their relationship around hedonic happiness, not eudaimonic meaning. Neither felt like they were in a meaningful relationship.
When They Got Honest
They finally sat down – really sat down – and asked, “What actually matters to us?” After a few raw, uncomfortable talks, three shared values emerged:
- Raising kids who feel deeply loved.
- Living with financial integrity.
- Serving their community together.
That’s when everything shifted for them:
- Instead of chasing the next trip, they made family dinners sacred – even if it was just takeout.
- They volunteered once a month at the local food bank.
- They started putting their phones away before bed and checking in emotionally, not just logistically.
None of this was glamorous, but it grounded them.
Their feelings of emptiness gave way to a sense of direction and pride. Their joy stopped depending on novelty and started growing from meaning. The shift from hedonic to eudaimonic happiness brought them closer than they’d ever been and helped them create a meaningful relationship.
This is what happens when couples move from hedonic pleasure to eudaimonic purpose.
How to Build Meaning and Happiness in Your Relationship
Eudaimonic happiness doesn’t appear on its own. You build it slowly, consistently, and intentionally.
Strong couples treat meaning like a shared project. They know pleasure is wonderful and that purpose is what keeps love steady when life stops being easy.
Here’s how to begin, together:
- Define your shared values. Ask: What kind of couple do we want to be? What matters most to us? Naming it brings you clarity. Learn more about using values as a compass for connection.
- Live your values on a daily basis. Not just when life feels smooth. Live them when it’s messy, too.
- Turn routines into rituals. Small, consistent moments (e.g., a nightly check-in, cooking together, repairing after conflict) become anchors of connection.
- Zoom out regularly. Ask each other: Are we living the life we want? Do our actions match our values?
When you and your partner start practicing this kind of intentional living, you stop chasing temporary highs and start building a love that means something.
When you build meaning deliberately, pleasure doesn’t disappear. It becomes part of something bigger.
The Real Goal
The best relationships don’t make you choose between joy and purpose. They weave both together – fun in the moment, fulfillment in the long run.
So, the next time you think about being “happy” in your relationship, ask “Are we chasing comfort, or building purpose?” One makes life fun. The other makes it matter.
Want to Become Happier and Have More Meaning in Your Relationship?
At Quoin Counselling, that’s the work we do — helping couples build deeper connection, shared purpose, and long-term happiness. Our therapists Tanya Schecter, Brooke Patterson, and Tiffany Wainwright support individuals and couples across Vancouver, Victoria, and all of British Columbia, both online and in person.
If your relationship is asking for more — more honesty, more tools, more connection—we’d love to help. Book your free 15-minute consultation.
FAQs
What are the two types of happiness in relationships?
Hedonic happiness (pleasure and fun) and eudaimonic happiness (meaning, purpose, and deeper emotional fulfillment).
Why does relationship happiness fade over time?
Pleasure-based happiness is temporary. Long-term fulfillment comes from building trust, shared values, emotional safety, and meaningful daily habits.
How can couples build more meaningful connection?
Start by defining shared values, creating rituals of connection, and regularly checking in about how you’re actually doing—not just how busy life feels.
What creates long-term relationship happiness?
A blend of joy, purpose, emotional honesty, and the daily choice to live in alignment with shared values.
