When evaluating our relationship’s potential, most of us focus on compatibility — shared interests, communication styles, and attraction. What we often forget to consider and talk about is something that’s far more foundational: values.
Your core values shape how you make decisions, interpret conflict, give and receive love. They also shape how you define a “good” relationship. If you (and your partner) don’t know what matters most to you — you’re both navigating without a map.
What Are Core Values?
Unlike your favorite band, your travel wish list, or your love of pineapple on pizza, your values aren’t preferences. Your values are your guiding principles — like integrity, autonomy, generosity, loyalty, growth, or adventure: They determine what feels right or wrong to you. Values are unique to each person and, unlike morals, can’t be classified in a hierarchy.
Values aren’t directly observable. You can, however, feel whether you’re in alignment with them. When something or someone violates your values, it doesn’t just bother you — it grates. Conversely, when your values are honored, you feel seen, safe, connected, and in alignment with who you are.
Core values are the three or four values that you need honored to feel not only in integrity with yourself, but the best version of yourself that’s possible.
Do Values Matter in Relationships?
Often, in the honeymoon phase, your relationship is easy. This is partially because your values aren’t being tested. Over time, though, life shows up and different values come to the surface. For example, if:
- You value stability but your partner values freedom, conversations about moving, changing jobs, or having kids can become battlegrounds.
- You prize honesty, while your partner avoids conflict in the name of peace, over time, you both might sweep issues under the rug. This prevents repair from occurring, and allows resentment to set in.
- You deeply value connection, while your partner values solitude it can cause both of you to wind up feeling like your needs aren’t being met.
When there’s a values difference, neither of you is wrong, it’s just that your values don’t align. Finding ways to honor each person’s values isn’t possible if you don’t know what your values are or how to talk about them.
How Can I Figure Out What My Values Are?
Before you can build a relationship with someone, you need to know who you are. This involves exploring the following:
- What principles guide my decisions?
- What do I believe makes a good life?
- What values was I raised with — and which ones are meaningful to me?
- What matters to me more than being liked or being comfortable?
Getting clear on your values is a process. If you’re not sure what they are, start paying attention to what causes you to have strong emotional reactions. When do you feel most proud? Most angry? Most alive? These feelings point to what you hold sacred – your values are usually underneath.
You can also figure out what your core values are by completing values exercises or working with your therapist.
How Can I Talk About My Values With My Partner?
Once you know what your core values are, the next step is to share them with your partner — not as a demand, but as a window into who you are. You can do this by beginning your sentences with:
- “What’s important to me in this situation is…”
- “I feel really off when I don’t see this value being respected…”
- “This is something I’ve come to learn about myself…”
As part of this process, you can also invite your partner’s perspective as a first step in finding out what matters to them. By getting curious about yourself and your partner, you gain a deeper understanding of who you both are. This allows you to evaluate your values alignment and to make sure your connection is built on more than chemistry or convenience.
What Do I Do If Our Values Clash?
Value differences aren’t always a dealbreaker. In fact, people rarely have the exact same values as their partner. What you’re looking for is alignment and areas where you can reach agreement. Sometimes you can respect each other’s values and find middle ground.
If your values are deeply opposed, however, denial often only delays the inevitable. If you value truth and they value image, if you value growth and they value comfort, these differences will show up in how you spend money, parent kids, manage conflict, and make long-term plans. It’s better to face this head on early on than to wonder later on why everything feels like a constant negotiation.
What Creates a Strong Relational Foundation?
Values aren’t the sexy part of relationships – they’re the stable part. They’re what hold you steady when things get hard. If you don’t know what matters to you, your relationship is built on sand.
Together, you and your partner can learn to identify your individual and relationship values. This helps you to make decisions, engage in healthy conflict and repair, trust each other, give and receive love. In essence, it sets the foundation for a strong relationship.
Shared Values = Strong Relationships
Get clear. Get honest. Get aligned.Because love without shared values isn’t love with a future.
How Can I Get Support?
If you would like to get clear on your individual and/or relationship values, book a free consultation with one of our Vancouver-based therapists, Brooke Patterson or Tanya Schecter. They can help guide you in this explorative and foundational process that will strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner.
Book a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re the right fit. We’d love to support you and your relationship.
